Everyone told me it would get easier as time went on. They all lied. It’s never easier – Just different.
Grandma and I often comment on how we think you will just come home. That you’re coming back and you’re only at work or running to the store. But, you’re still not back.
Today marks ten years since I was the most heartbroken I have ever been.
Ten years of being completely independent, self sufficient, and being an adult. Ten years without being woken up for school, without being annoyed by the smell of bleach on Saturday mornings, being embarrassed how you said “oDviously!” and how you would dance around the house when my friends were over, and sitting in the car for hours talking about nothing. Ten years without my best friend.
Ten years since my mother died. Allah yarhamha ya Rab.
Don’t get me wrong, I am very blessed that I had you, my beautiful mother for thirteen years, Alhamdulilah, but the feeling of longing for someone never goes away. When I say I miss you, these words are not even close to enough.
I remember sitting in the bathtub the day after it happened and thanking God I had gotten through 24 hours. And even at that age I realized that months would come. And eventually years. And even decades. And I would be on my own. I was terrified. I’m so proud of my last ten years of life and I only wish you could share in all of the events that have happened in the last ten years.
I started and graduated high school without you, I started and graduated college, I moved to Los Angeles (such a you thing!), I found myself in my faith, and grandma and I are friends now. I found out I have a brother, I lost other really important people, I got Olive, and I am in Real Estate just like you. I’m a legit adult!
And, the next ten years will bring even more that you will miss out on, but that’s okay because all of these things – including losing you – was what God had planned. And He is the Best of Planners.
My beautiful mother, I pray that God has Mercy on you. That He shows His Favor on you. That He grants you all of the best in the next life. That He gives you only what you deserve. That He forgives you. That He accepts all of the prayers I have made for you. That He reunites us in the most beautiful way in Paradise where nothing is only temporary. And, that He is so pleased with the beautiful soul that He gave you.
I’ll love you forever but I’ll only miss you for now, inshaAllah
After all, you never belonged to me, you only belong to Him.
إِنَّا لِلّهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ